Starz, Orwell and a head in the rat cage

The nail that stands up highest, gets hammered down hardest

-- Old Japanese proverb

Nights like this are the reason I don't like being alone for a long time.

I keep my mind and body distracted and refocused on work and personal projects but, eventually, the darkness creeps in and I go from sobbing to outrage and back until I can write my way out of it.

So here it goes.

The trigger this time came in the form of an obscure song (Violation) from an obscure 70s rock band (Starz) that I had not heard in probably 40 years. (A perfect song that came out just before the amazing original MTV charged onto the American media mix and changed how we all listen, and view, music.)

I attached a link to the song and the lyrics are below.

Like the great novel "1984" by George Orwell, and my meager attempt to follow that up with a novel I tried to write called "2034," the theme throughout the song and the novels is the ubiquitous control faceless beings have over our very existence, and, in my case, how I gave my life up to exposing these injustices, thus helping countless others but causing extreme backlash to me and my family.

The song gives us the ominous warning about living in a totalitarian state where we are not allowed to have fun or make money without being marginalized, taxed, fined, restricted, criminalized, isolated, shamed. Themes, I have written about for decades as it has only gotten worse to the point where we are on the verge of a civil war that will be like no other before it. And, recently, I started hoping for it.

As for the song and the novels, for most of the last 38 years I always prided myself on being the noble whistleblower but whatever I had left of that pride was finally stripped from me by the small but powerful clique that runs Lake County, MT.

Here is where it all flew off the rails: I was arrested, fined, jailed, ridiculed, lost my wife of 27 years, one of my daughters isn't speaking to me, I am unemployable. And, at age 59, without my dog and my youngest daughter, I fear I would be a homicidal maniac or suicidal maniac, or both.

So my latest take on whistleblowing, crusading, volunteering, and opening my heart to most people is: It ain't worth it.

I have become the guy with his head in a cage filled with rats. The one who's life partner has disappeared. Who is being asked to alter the very history I helped chronicle. Who stands alone, trying to beat a check out of the world for a future that seems undefined and pointless.

I often wonder now how my life had turned out if I had become an engineer, remained a frustrated but secure teacher, or focused on real estate investing. I am sure I would have financial and personal rewards and stability but would I be happier? Fulfilled? Feel special about my career and life?

It is the same question Thoreau contemplated when he wrote: "The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.”

I really do not know how I would feel now if I had towed the line and would now be reaping the rewards.

So, tomorrow, I will get up, focus on my projects, and try to stay way from the dark places in my mind. I might even finish my novel since it is almost guaranteed that I could only be rich and famous after I die.

As for others, my suggestion clear: Lay low, don't rock the boat, fill in the right boxes, be realistic that people who hold power like it that way and anyone who threatens that, receives the over-kill of authority.

Because, the fact is, most of us are under the stiff rule of authority and bucking the system just doesn't help anyone.

Violation

By Starz

Empty pockets, empty bed

Empty bottles, empty head

The committee says shape up

Or they'll fix me quick enough

(we are with you everywhere

We will protect your from yourself

We are watchimg)

I wanna rock an' roll

(NO, that's a violation)

I wanna lose control

(NO, that's a violation)

I wanna love someone

(NO, that's a violation)

I wanna have some fun

(You better not try it)

Lousy jobs, down in holes

Join the Union, learn to bowl

Lovely houses of cement

The committee pays the rent

-CHORUS-

Thank you for electing us

We appreciate your trust

There's a problem we're aware

That many of your children share

But we've developed new techniques

The process takes about two weeks

It"s based upon electroshock

A daily dose of microwatts

And when we're through with what we do

We'll ship the begger back to you

And then he'll be as good as new

Doctor says I'm almost fine

And they'll let me out in time

I'm a very stubborn case

And my tapes not quite erased

-CHORUS-

No, no, no

No, no, no